Bar Psychology

When you stand where I stand, you’re called on to do many things. Sometimes a bartender is a listener, and sometimes they’re a talker, because not everyone wants the same things. And it’s far easier for us to change rather than to expect that in others. Therapist, mixologist, arbitrator and muse — I’ve been them all.

When the foursome walked in the front door, my role was as yet undefined. They walked past the line of people at the hostess stand, past the people queuing for the bar, past me standing there and right up to a recently set table with a reserved sign on it. One of the women picked up the sign, looked at it closely and then threw it on the floor. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. But a healthy level of skepticism is developed by a few years in the bar and restaurant business. An unhealthy skepticism takes just a bit longer. Things that I once thought were impossible to imagine now not only seem possible, but even probable, and in some cases likely.

“I’m sorry, guys,” said the hostess to the foursome. “But these tables are reserved.”

In psychology, there’s a defensive mechanism that some therapists call DARVO. And it’s usually broken down like this: deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender. When one is confronted with a truth they don’t like, they respond by employing the acronym thusly.

Deny

“What do you mean?” asked one of the men now sitting at the table.

“All the tables are reserved,” the hostess said.

“There was a sign here,” she added, and then looked around knowingly, because she had, in fact, put it there herself.

“We didn’t see one,” said the group, lying, practically in unison.

“So that means that this is our table,” said the woman who hadn’t spoken yet.

“Sign or no sign, these tables are reserved,” the hostess said.

“And we have a whole slew of people waiting,” she added, gesturing at the crowd.

The people just looked at her.

“So, you’ll have to get up,” she said, noticing the sign on the floor.

She leaned over and picked it up. “I wonder how that happened?”

The group just looked at each other.

Attack

“This is outrageous,” said the other man, who up until now had only spoken in unison.

“I’ve never been asked to get up in a restaurant before,” he added. “You guys are totally unprofessional.”

In the current consumer environment, it’s a pretty safe bet to say that you’re on camera whenever you enter a business. Security cameras in California usually can’t record audio because in this state you have to have the expressed consent of all the parties involved, especially if there’s a reasonable expectation of privacy. So, we might not be able to hear you, but we can definitely see you. And so will the police.

“You guys should really get your act together,” the man said.

“I’m posting a negative review right now,” he added, getting out his phone.

“Great,” replied the hostess. “But you’ll still have to get up.”

Reverse the victim and the offender

“You’re really being rude,” said the first woman who had sat down, still making absolutely no attempt to get up.

“Yes,” replied the other woman. “You’ve been ridiculously combative from the get-go.”

They all nodded, as if the matter were up for a vote.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” replied the hostess. “But you’ll still have to get up.”

“Why are you being so mean?” asked the first woman, physically recoiling. “We just want to get something to eat.”

The manager now came over, the proverbial cavalry riding to the rescue.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked the manager.

“She is incredibly rude,” said the woman who had just recoiled.

“Yeah, she just came out of nowhere and told us to get up from our table,” said one of the men.

“For no reason!” exclaimed the other man while the two women nodded in agreement.

The manager looked over at me before he looked at them. I doubt they even saw the subtle shake of my head.

“You guys will have to get up,” he stated emphatically. “We have a list of people waiting, and I don’t have time to fool around.”

“Now YOU are being rude!” replied the recoiler.

They did get up eventually, in a long, drawn-out fashion, letting everyone nearby hear their tale of woe. The problem is that everyone nearby had seen the whole thing, and no sympathy was forthcoming.

When they walked by the front door, they offered one parting shot.

“We’re never coming back here,” grumbled one of the men.

“OK,” said the manager,

“And we’re telling all of our friends too,” said the other man.

“Great,” replied the manager.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• The most effective way to deal with rudeness is to simply stay calm.

• Sometimes the bartender’s role is simply to be there as a witness.

• “Rudeness is not having fun, and if it is, it’s at the expense of another person,” once said three-starred Michelin chef and British TV personality Marco Pierre White.

• We’re all hoping that those people actually live up to their word.