Brunch ain’t for sissies

The threesome plunked themselves down at the bar immediately upon opening. The early bird gets the worm they say, and I always laugh when I hear that, especially since I work in the food service business.

Anthony Bourdain once said: “Brunch is the least popular shift for cooks. I personally hate it; I have all sorts of deep, highly traumatic memories of my years cooking brunch.”

But when this event happened, he hadn’t said that yet or at least I hadn’t heard it. Maybe it was because I was too busy working brunch.

If you think cooks don’t like it, then the bleary-eyed, mostly nightlife-driven bar staff really don’t like it. Eggs and bacon, regardless of the price tag, are pretty easy items in the realm of food preparation. But Ramos fizzes and bloody marys are two of the most labor-intensive drinks there are, and the mimosa, as bright and lively as it is, isn’t that far behind. Don’t believe me? Go into any bar in the evening and order any one of those three. They either won’t be able to make them, or they won’t want to.

So, it was one bloody mary for the mid-20s woman, one mimosa for the mid-20s man and a Ramos fizz for the woman in her 40s or 50s. Ain’t brunch grand?

It didn’t take long to figure out that this threesome was a mother, her daughter and her daughter’s new boyfriend.

“Was my Ramos shaken, not stirred?” asked the mother when the drinks arrived.

Hilarious — or so she thought. It was out of context and wildly inaccurate, but she laughed and laughed nonetheless. She stopped long enough to add one more gem.

“Because I don’t want my gin bruised.”

She was really trotting out all the cliches. And like bartenders everywhere, I was forced to act as if it was the first time I’ve ever heard either of those jokes.

“That’s very funny, ma’am,” I said, because I’m a professional, and that’s what professionals do.

“I don’t think you can bruise gin,” said the young man and obvious dating neophyte.

He was right. There’s no such thing. You can dilute gin by shaking it, but that’s not really the same thing now is it? But you certainly don’t bring that up the first time that you meet the woman who just might become your mother-in-law. And you certainly don’t do it to correct her.

I saw a pretty obvious elbow nudge from the young woman. But his potential future mother-in-law didn’t seem to notice or care.

We in the bar business learn early if not often that correcting people is not really the way to go.

When someone says, “I want a martini but no vegetables,” it’s cute and funny until you point out that all citruses are fruits, as are, ironically, all olives, so there are never any vegetables in a martini.

Bartenders are there to help, not to hinder. But we are on that side of the bar.

The mother kept the jokes coming, none of which were original and most of which weren’t very funny.

“I wanted to thank you two for house sitting over the weekend,” she said when the jocularity settled down.

“It was our pleasure,” said the daughter.

“You really do have a nice house,” said the daughter’s boyfriend.

“Well, thank you,” she said. “It’s a little big for me now.”

Jokes are sometimes like ice breakers. But too many jokes and you run into the opposite problem. Eggs were ordered. And eggs were delivered. By the time they had gotten around to lattes, I had rinsed and washed all my service utensils half a dozen times. Eggs, cream and tomato juice sure do make a mess of things. Their brunch was nearing its end. And ends have their own beginning.

“I almost forgot,” said the potential future mother-in-law to the young man. “I have something for you.”

“For me?” replied the young man, surprised.

“Yes,” she said.

“Well, I’m touched,” said the young man, waiting eagerly for his gift.

She then put something right on the bar. She did so obviously and she did it right in front of me, her daughter, the busser clearing the plates and her daughter’s new boyfriend.

It was a pair of men’s boxers.

“I found these in my bed,” she said, smiling ear to ear.

“I thought you might want them back,” she added.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Turns out that she really could be quite funny — and original too.

• “No matter how badly I screwed up in my life or how unemployable I was, I could always get a job as a brunch cook because nobody wants to do brunch,” also once said Bourdain. (And that goes double for bartenders.)

• Brunch is not for the faint of heart on any side of the bar.

• Behind every successful marriage are good in-laws. That, or a great sense of humor.