Some people learn things the hard way

The two women had been at the bar for nearly an hour. They had enjoyed drinks and appetizers. They weren’t in any rush, and we weren’t there to rush them. But things do progress. Nothing is ever static, especially not in a bar.

Everyone is different. Some people are in and out. Some people linger. And many are in between. The trick in the service business is to never mix the two up — no matter what you do. A lingerer doesn’t want to be rushed, and a quickie doesn’t ever want to wait. Make that mistake once, and you’ll see what I mean.

They had arrived when seating was not a problem. But as the night reached the apex of its business bell curve, things changed. There were now three or four groups of people waiting for seats.

“I’ll get you guys in next,” I told the couple standing directly behind another couple sitting.

The first two women continued on unabated, secure in their seating arrangement. I had done exactly the same thing for them when they had gotten there. The only difference was that there were fewer people waiting then. All was well, at least until one of the two women took a phone call.

“I’ll order you dinner, so it’s ready when you get here,” she said.

I took note of that, just as I take notes on a dozen different other things: ketchup for the burger guy, wet napkins for the barbecue gal and seats for that couple. A check for another couple. Pen and paper for the guy giving out his phone number, QR code for the woman with the to-go order. In any given moment, there are a lot of things to consider and a lot of things to note.

In our bar, we regulate seating. It’s not a race; it’s first come, first served. And, for us, that has worked pretty well. Sure, occasionally we run into a person who doesn’t like that idea. But they usually don’t like it because they are on the verge of taking advantage of placement or quickness rather than timing. And if there is one thing that a person who has seized an unfair advantage can’t stand, it’s being called out on it.

The phone friend’s food arrived a few minutes later. She looked at me as I held the plate, looking for a place to set it down. Coursing at a bar is harder than at a table. And sometimes it’s not perfect. If you want perfect, go sit at a table. We will do our best, but unlike a dining room, which only has so many seats, a bar can also have 30 to 50 people standing behind the people sitting at the bar. And that makes a huge difference.

About seven minutes later, the man attached to that food order arrived. The woman stood up and let him have her seat — not really the way we do things, but not out of line exactly. If she wanted to give her seat to him, that was going to have to be OK. We, as service people, often have to pick our battles.

Right about then, the couple to their left got up to leave. And I noticed the now-standing woman creeping over toward the not-quite-empty seats.

Mel Brooks’ characters in the iconic 1974 film “Blazing Saddles” might have hated the cliché “heading them off at the pass,” but in the bar business, getting in front of a problem is always preferred to being behind one.

“I’m so sorry,” I said to the encroaching woman. “I can’t let you take that seat.”

“I have those other two women who’ve been waiting for half an hour,” I added, pointing at the women I had spoken to before, who she had seen and heard me speak to.

“But she’s been here for two hours!” loudly exclaimed the just-arrived man sitting in her previous seat.

“You are right, sir,” I said. “But you just got here. If she wants to give you her seat, that’s her business, but she can’t then take a seat from those two to do it.”

That should have been the end of it. But it wasn’t.

“You’re f—g rude!” said the man loudly, pointing at me.

“And you, sir, are out of here,” I replied far more calmly.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• “This aggression will not stand, man,” said “the Dude” character in 1998’s “The Big Lebowski.”

• Meanwhile, I have found that the best way to handle aggression is to remain calm.

• Funny how people love a rule when the rule is to their advantage and hate it when it isn’t.

• I learned what “wait your turn” meant in kindergarten. I am truly shocked how many people have forgotten it since then.

• No one has ever been allowed to stay in a bar after swearing threateningly at a bartender. It doesn’t matter if it happened after being there for an hour or just 30 seconds.