Outfoxing the fox

People sometimes say to me, “You’re like a therapist.”

And while there are some superficial similarities, the one big difference is that I have an agenda. One that should be pretty obvious. Therapists, on the other hand, aren’t supposed to have agendas. I suspect that some do, because just like bartenders, there are good ones, and there are bad ones.

“Hey, Jeff,” said someone in need of some help the other night.

I scanned the couple’s place setting when I got there: three-quarters full cocktails, over half-full waters, correct cutlery and entrees in the midst of being consumed. It appeared that all was in order.

“Can you settle something for us?” asked the man.

And then he held out his phone for me to look at. Just a few things about handing over phones in bars. I know enough not to swipe either way, because I didn’t always know that, and let’s just say what I have sometimes seen would shock any sailor anywhere.

This time it was just a picture of a stuffed moose head — a very large stuffed moose head sitting on what looked like a garage floor.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“It’s a family heirloom,” the man said.

“It’s a monstrosity,” his wife said.

Sometimes things just sort of spell themselves out. I suppose that happens in regular therapy too. The only people who can’t see the problem are the ones in the midst of it.

“I just inherited it,” the man said.

The look on his wife’s face wasn’t one of understanding.

I had been lured into their domestic dustup and was now being called upon as a presumably unbiased outside observer to help settle an argument.

And trust me on this. That is not what I’m there to do. It happens more often than one would suspect, but it’s not a role I relish. The downside far outweighs the upside. So, I simply echoed what a therapist asked me some years ago.

“What are you trying to do?” I asked.

Because sometimes what we think we’re trying to do isn’t what we’re actually doing.

“I’m trying to have a happy home,” he said.

One look at his wife’s face would certainly lead one to believe that was not what he was doing. He was trying to be right. And there’s an old saying, “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be married?” And it works equally well regardless of which person in a marriage you’re talking to.

I think I mentioned it to the man.

Instead, he made a counterargument. “This has been in my family for 50 years. It was my father’s and my grandfather’s before him.”

“I get that,” I said. “Just remember that the decisions you make today might stay with you for the rest of your life.”

A spouse’s memory is a lot longer than one might suspect. And that works both ways. But I was doing my best. And I was doing it — at least partially — on her behalf. I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be. I’m in sales after all. And the most important thing about sales is to identify where someone is coming from. The person who orders the most expensive thing on the menu is probably not going to want to pair it with the least expensive wine, which doesn’t also mean that the person eating a hamburger at the bar might not order the most expensive whiskey, because they just might. So, it’s always best to ask a few questions first before making any suggestions.

“Can’t you put in your garage?” I asked.

“Don’t have a garage,” he said.

“Mancave?” I asked.

“Nope,” he said.

“Office?” I asked.

He shook his head.

His wife looked at me.

And I looked at him.

“Just remember what I said about your decisions today affecting your tomorrow,” I said.

He was wavering in his conviction. I could feel it. I have seen people do the same thing when choosing between two wines, one very expensive and one not. I also know that in times like these, and in times like those, you just have to walk away and let the chips fall where they may.

“You like art, right?” asked the man, catching me off guard.

“I do,” I said.

“It’s like that piece of art you return to a half a dozen times,” he said. “If you don’t buy it, you’re going to kick yourself for the rest of your life.”

And just like that, I was all in on the moose head, because being persuasive doesn’t mean that one cannot be persuaded themselves, especially if the right motivation is found.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• I wasn’t the only person in that conversation who worked in sales, or in psychology, for that matter.

• “And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, freedom or loneliness?” once wrote “Barfly” author Charles Bukowski.

• In bar-related arguments, it shouldn’t be surprising just how often the bartender sides with the person paying the bill.

• I sure hope she likes her new moose head. Just saying.