Drinking Buddies

There was an awkward “bro” hug, and then mutual backslaps. Guys’ nights out always seem to start this way. The other universal greeting, the handshake, is similar in that there’s a right way and a wrong way. And those two things are contingent upon who the friends are. Don’t believe me? Try giving your boss a very aggressive handshake and just see how that goes.

“Dude!” was posited.

“Dude!” was reciprocated.

Sometimes the basics of male friendships aren’t very complicated. Proving that point, two whiskeys were ordered. Both on the rocks. Both with no garnish. Easy-peasy.

Not all things are universal, but when they are, that usually makes life a lot easier. Remember that the next time your server gets to your table immediately upon you sitting down and asks if you would like to order a drink. There’s no need for indignation, because you can be ready, or you can not be ready. But be thankful that they are there quickly. There’s nothing quite as annoying as having to look around for your server when you’re ready.

“Hey, sorry about last time,” said one of the two men.

“No problem,” replied the other man. “I was just a little annoyed that you forgot your wallet after what had happened before.”

“It was an honest mistake,” said the first man, stirring his whiskey with his finger. “I did really appreciate you helping me move.”

“Yeah, but when I had to help you move, and then I had to buy you dinner too, that kind of irritated me,” the second man said.

They both sat in silence for a while, rotating the large spherical ice cubes in their glasses with their fingers, the whiskey sheeting down like prescient reddish clouds on a crystal ball.

Menus weren’t even glanced at.

“You have hamburgers, right?” one of the men asked.

“We do,” replied the bartender.

“Two cheeseburgers then, with bacon,” said one of the men.

Nobody said anything about cheeseburgers, but sometimes things are just taken for granted. If they have hamburgers, they probably have cheeseburgers, and if they have cheeseburgers, they probably have fries. But gluten-free buns, meatless patties and dairy-free cheese? Probably not. But asking never hurts.

“Can I get a salad instead of fries?” asked one of the men.

“Of course,” said the bartender.

That man smiled at the single woman sitting next to him after asking about the salad. It wasn’t clear whether it was because of that or for other reasons — well, until it was clear.

“What are you drinking?” he asked the woman.

“Rosé,” she said.

And then he went back to talking to his friend.

“You’re still getting fries, right?” he asked his friend.

“I thought you were getting a salad,” replied that friend.

“I am, but I wanted to get some fries too,” he said.

The two men then sat side by side staring at the sports game on the TV. Nothing was said again until the burgers — cheeseburgers — arrived.

“Another round,” said the first man, making a circling motion and actually meaning it.

Often people say “another round” when they simply want more drinks. Another round means the exact same drinks. And that’s not debatable.

“I’m fine,” said the second man.

“Come on, I’m taking care of you for taking care of me,” said Man 1.

“You don’t have to do that,” replied Man 2.

“But I want to,” said Man 1.

“Sure, but I have to use the bathroom first,” said Man 2.

The second man got up and went to the restroom.

“Let me get you another,” said Man 1, turning his attention back to the single woman on the other side of him.

“Sure,” said the woman.

That brief superfluous conversation ended the minute his friend returned.

More drinks followed. And more food. And another glass of wine for that woman. Gratitude can so often be gratuitous. Dessert and coffee then followed. It was the full ride.

The only thing in the restaurant equation more annoying than waiting for your first drink is possibly waiting for the check. And the last thing a person reliant on gratuities should ever do is irritate someone right before they figure out exactly what that will be.

“I got this,” said Man 1, extravagantly producing his credit card.

He said something similar when that card was declined and also when the next one was.

“Will you take a check?” he asked the bartender.

Not likely after two declined credit cards.

His friend was now forced to produce his own credit card, because if your friend can’t pay, you’re going to have to; it’s the law.

“I can’t believe this,” said Man 2, looking at the extravagant bill, with two drinks for a complete stranger, that he was now forced to pay.

“Sorry, dude,” said Man 1.

“Whatever,” said Man 2.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• What do you call being a friend without any benefits? Asking for a friend.

• “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me,” once said circus man P.T. Barnum.

• Just kidding. Barnum never actually said that. He did say, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

• Nope, he never said that either.

• Sometimes drinking buddies aren’t really buddies. Sometimes they’re not even friends.