Bartenders have seen it all

The foursome didn’t really come in hot. And they weren’t really coming in happy either. It was odd from the get-go — for me and eventually for them, too.

We see all kinds of groupings from behind the bar: boys’ nights out, girls’ nights out and date nights. You really get a bird’s-eye view of the entire range of human romantic interactions. This one appeared to be boy and girl and boy and girl — what’s commonly called a double couple date night. Two sets of friends out on the town. It was an easy assumption to make. And it was not the correct one.

They found four barstools and sat down just as one might expect: boy, girl, boy, girl. They ordered two espresso martinis and two craft draft beers. It was so normal as to be almost mundane until I set the drinks down.

Instead of the beers going to the men and the drinks going to the women, it was a drink for one of the men, a drink for one of the women, and the same breakdown for the beers.

Typically, when one gets the double couple date night sitting at the bar, either the men are better friends or the women are. This grouping was unusual, because it appeared that the man and woman in the middle were the better friends, and they weren’t a couple.

And it got awkward almost immediately. Inside jokes and playful tussling are cute when you’re a couple, but when you’re not, it’s altogether something different, especially when the couple you’re actually involved in is on the outside looking in — literally.

Bartenders sometimes get a bad rap for being judgmental. And we are about things that really matter — things like your level of intoxication or your legal age. Things most bartenders could care less about are your relationship status and your opinion on shaking versus stirring. We have more important things to worry about.

Just about then, a song came on the overhead speakers that elicited squeals from the couple in the middle.

“Let’s dance,” said the inner woman, which was a weird thing to say in a place that doesn’t have a dance floor.

Remember that nonjudgmental comment? Well, I now retract it. Because that inner couple got up and danced. It was all fun and games. And in the bar business, that’s usually pretty good — until it isn’t.

“You guys seem like you’re really having fun,” said the outside man when the dancers sat down.

“Well, you never dance,” said the inside woman. “And he does.”

A similar conversation was happening between the outside woman and the inside man.

It reminded me of the internecine workplace affair. The people involved always think they are being discrete. The funny thing is that everyone else always knows.

It’s especially bad in the restaurant business. I remember having to attend an HR seminar on interpersonal relationships at work. At the time, the chef and the manager were having an affair. And as irony would have it, the two HR officers giving the seminar later got divorced and then married each other. When the four of them asked if there were any questions at the end of the meeting, nobody raised their hand. Not one single person.

“Do you think they are having an affair?” the outside woman eventually asked the outside man as their respective spouses did a little bump and grind.

“I’m not sure anymore,” he answered. “I didn’t think so, but now …”

“Would you two like something else to drink?” I interjected, as bartenders so often do.

They both looked up at me.

“What do you think?” the outside woman asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked, knowing full well what she meant.

“Do you think those two are having an affair?” she asked, pointing at the woman doing a backbend in the aisle while a man that wasn’t her husband front-bended over her.

“Do I think they are?” I queried back.

“Yes, do you think they are?” repeated the outer man, exasperated by the parsing.

“No, I don’t think that they are,” I said, answering honestly.

And when I say “honestly,” I mean honestly, because I didn’t “think” that they were having an affair. I knew it. And that’s altogether different. While I might not have known the non-couple in front of me, I was certainly familiar with the other one bumping and grinding.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Be sure to ask the right questions, that way you will always get the right answers.
• Most bartenders are not judgmental. But they aren’t blind either.
• “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes,” once posited Carl Jung.
• Sometimes we must see with our own eyes what we already know to be true in our hearts.
• The old joke goes: “Be nice to the bartender because we know your wife and your girlfriend, too.” To which I might now add, “We also know your wife’s boyfriend and his wife as well.” Just saying.