Same game, different pieces

It was busy, the kind of busy that renders the ability to have a conversation moot. Sweat was literally trickling off of my nose. My opening interaction with most people consisted of simply pointing at them.

Most people can tell when things are pretty hectic. If there’s an hour wait at the door and you couldn’t get reservations a week before — when you called — it’s probably going to be crazily busy. And crazy, busy restaurants almost always have even crazier, busier bars. Let’s just show up and see how it goes doesn’t often work so well.

But then again, she wasn’t most people.

“I’m pretty annoyed,” she said when I pointed at her.

“OK. Do you want something?” I asked.

“I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes,” she began.

“Do you have reservations?” I interrupted.

“No,” she said.

“Then 10 minutes is not that long,” I said, before moving on to someone more prepared.

When I came back to her, her complaint continued.

“We want two seats,” she said.

Luckily for me, two seats opened up on the other end of the bar. I pointed at them.

“But we really wanted to sit with you,” she said.

I think I just shrugged. There’s always that one person who wants to move around a bar or restaurant from seat to seat, table to table, until they get just the right one. It’s the Goldilocks effect — too hot, too cold, etc. Having a table at the busiest restaurant in town during its busiest period is not enough. They have to have the best table. So, it’s drinks over there, an appetizer there, another appetizer over there, before dinner there and then dessert over here. It’s like waiting on the same person three separate times.

I wiped the sweat from my nose with the back of my sleeve and thanked my lucky stars that tonight she was over there. I also thanked the fact that it had started to slow down a bit; the pointing moved into solid interaction. And solid interaction is where the money lies — most of the time.

“That woman is driving me crazy,” said my co-worker a few minutes later.

“Did she order seven oysters?” I asked.

“She did,” my co-worker said.

“And did she complain about having to pay for the extra one?” I asked.

“How did you know?” my co-worker asked.

“She does that every time,” I said.

Most customer service people start out being nice. It’s a commission-based business. Many stay nice, partly because it’s just the right way to do customer service. The hardest part is to stay nice when the other person isn’t trying to be nice. And the absolutely hardest part is to try and maintain civility when you’re being scolded by someone who’s absolutely wrong.

“This is ridiculous,” said my co-worker in passing. “She just tried four different wines.”

“Did she ask you which one you liked?” I asked.

“She did,” my co-worker said.

“Did she then pick the other one?” I asked.

“Yes,” said my co-worker, the frustration clearly visible on her face.

The woman and her date moved two seats closer to me, but still not into the area I was responsible for. Lucky stars indeed.

“She just sent her steak back,” said my co-worker.

“Did she order it medium rare/medium?” I asked.

“She did. And then she said it was too rare for medium,” my co-worker added.

People like to invent new categories for food and beverages. Not too dry. Not as hot. Not as cold. All of which are subjective, as if the original categories aren’t. And all that does is create a larger field of error. Think of it this way: If I asked if something was located in the city of Los Angeles, and you replied, “The greater Los Angeles area,” all of a sudden, it’s a much larger place. In fact, it’s enormous. But some people are not about solutions; they are about creating as large a field of error as possible because that enables further complaints.

“Oh my goodness, I just had to shake her lemon drop for the third time,” said my co-worker.

“She always does that,” I said. “It’s always the same every time she comes in.”

“Doesn’t her date ever get sick of it?” my co-worker asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean, the guy she’s with, doesn’t he ever get tired of the same exact behavior on every single date?”

I looked over at the man with the woman in question.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “I’ve never seen him before.”

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• While there might be a baker’s dozen, there’s certainly no such thing as a “shucker’s” half dozen. Just saying.

• Just because you’re nice to people doesn’t guarantee that they will be nice to you.

• If your goal is to be awful to people without them being able to be awful back, then you’re just an awful person.

• “Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember — the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you,” once said motivational speaker Zig Ziglar.

• Instead of changing the game, some people simply change the pieces.