Taking the path of least resistance

On two ends of the bar, there were two completely opposite dynamics. One couple was just starting to date, and the other was just starting to do something else. And the only constant was the bartender.

“Would you like another drink?” asked that bartender, pointing at the nearly empty glasses.

“Of course,” said the young woman, beaming. “That one was delicious.”

“And for you, sir?” asked the bartender.

“Absolutely!” said the man.

“Are you enjoying everything?” asked the bartender.

“It really couldn’t get any better,” said the man, raising his glass and looking at the woman.

She looked back at him, and they clinked glasses together.

Outside, the soft spring shower had finished sprinkling its welcome drops on to the newly opened fronds of long-dormant flowers. A sea of pastel washed in from the outside, borne upon both the airwaves and upon the attire of some youngsters entering and exiting.

“Those kids are driving me crazy,” said the man in the other couple.

“Can you try and keep that door shut? My allergies are killing me,” replied his date.

Perception is reality, so perhaps needless to say, but according to them, their drinks weren’t good either. And neither was their appetizer — the exact same appetizer eaten with relish by the other couple — which now sat barely touched on the plate in front of them.

“What do you mean you still have a dog with her?” asked his date, leaving the food and drink discussion behind.

“We still have a dog together; that’s why I still have to go over there,” said the man.

“You still go to your ex-wife’s house?” asked the woman with allergies.

“I told you that,” said the man.

“You’ve certainly never told me that,” countered the woman.

“Sure, I did,” said the man, mentioning the where and when, which just happened to be at a restaurant that had recently opened.

“I’ve never been to that restaurant,” said the woman after looking at him for a while.

“Sure, you have. You went with me,” said the man.

Newton’s third law of motion states that for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction, which, as with most aspects of physics, is interesting in the abstract — until that abstract becomes reality.

“Can we order one of your fabulous desserts?” asked the opposite reaction, in the form of that first couple, drawing the bartender away from the second couple.

When the universe gives you an out, you should take it.

And that first couple was savoring their time together. They had ordered separately from separate menus. Often you can tell if people are together and for how long by the way they order. People who are coupled up often order together, sometimes even in unison. Those who aren’t together will often need a discussion, and those who are unsure of whether they’re together or not will often need two completely different transactions with their bartender, often up to and including separate menus. I’m not sure how that manifests at a table, but at a bar it’s the first big clue.

“She’ll have another,” said the man in the second couple.

“No, I won’t,” replied his date.

And sometimes the second clue is as obvious as it gets.

“Were you still together when we first got together?” asked the woman in the second couple, while still obviously trying to process the shared dog revelation.

“Well, you know I wasn’t divorced when we met,” said the man.

“I didn’t ask you if you were divorced; I asked you if you were still together,” said the woman.

“What’s the difference?” asked the man.

“The difference is whether you were still with her when you were with me,” said the woman.

The odds just went up astronomically that the steak in front of them was going to get sent back — a fact that kept the bartender away. Sometimes if a complaint is unavoidable, it’s best to simply avoid the complainer.

Meanwhile, the first couple fed each other their dessert, not in an uncomfortable way, but more playfully.

“You know, I will have another glass of wine,” said the woman in the second couple, not being playful at all. “Can I see the menu again?”

“That’s more like it,” said her date, his hunched shoulders softening ever so slightly.

“What are you looking for?” asked the man after watching her peruse the menu.

“I’m looking for the most expensive thing they’ve got,” said the woman.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Two books sitting at opposite ends of the same bookshelf will often teach you two totally different things.

• “We’re all islands shouting lies at each other across seas of misunderstanding,” once wrote English writer Rudyard Kipling in “The Light That Failed.”

• An apple can be Sir Isaac Newton’s or Adam and Eve’s; it’s merely a matter of perspective and attitude.

• Opposite doesn’t mean equal, not in physics, and certainly not in relationships.

• Fluids will always seek the path of least resistance. And so too will the bartenders who dispense them.