“How’s it going girlfriend,” said the girl’s friend in that strange intonation that usually accompanies just such a statement.
“It’s going,” said the new arrival.
The two then giggled like schoolgirls as they looked over the menu.
“Can we get a taste of…?” the two of them said in unison before dissolving again into giggles. I don’t know why middle aged people think behaving like prepubescents is funny or cute. It’s not. In fact, it is kind of creepy.
Eventually the two tasted every single chardonnay that we carried before finally settling on the least expensive.
“You know, for $15 I think it better give me an orgasm,” said the late arriving girlfriend.
I didn’t ask her what she expected from $8, but her equating sex with money reminded me of the old joke:
-Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?
-Would you sleep with me for $10?
-What kind of person do you think I am?
-We’ve already established what you are. Now we are just quibbling over price.
I doubted these two would find that joke very funny, especially after their following conversation. The two complimented each other on their outfits, their earrings, in fact, on all their accessories. Eventually they talked about boys, and finally even about sex. Everything revolved around money. It has been my experience that people who talk a lot about money usually don’t have any. Life is funny that way.
Also funny that the two didn’t talk about careers or jobs. But when you have neither, they usually don’t come up in conversation.
“We both need to find rich boyfriends,” said the two, again with more giggling.
I don’t think they were kidding. There are some people who take no responsibility for their own lives. They expect someone else to come along and fix everything. The therapists call it magical thinking. We non-therapists call it something else. And it affects both sexes.
I once had a customer who came in around 4 o’clock every other day. He was young and quite good looking, not in a rugged Marlboro man way, but more in a genteel well groomed Ryan Seacrest way. But what made him conspicuous was the fact that he only drank the most expensive things that we carried. If it was white wine, it was the most expensive white wine. If it was vodka, it was the most expensive vodka. Port, whiskey or tequila, it didn’t matter. It was always the most expensive. When he ordered food, it was always the most expensive item. Only steak and lobster for him, and only the largest steak, or the largest lobster. Nothing was too good for him. Whenever I saw his black Range Rover pull into the parking lot, I warmed up the cash machine.
When I finally met his wife I learned that she had divorced her first husband and received a sizeable settlement only to meet up with, and marry, Mr. young Seacrest.
“We’ll never have to work again,” said the young man to me once uninvited.
Some years later I saw her waiting for a bus during the commute rush and realized that perhaps he had meant the royal “we.” There is a saying that “two can live as cheaply as one,” unfortunately, one can also easily exhaust the resources of two, too.
Eventually the giggling twosome paid their bill, splitting it, and debating vehemently over whom had spent what. Eventually a ridiculously complicated number was agreed upon, which necessitated a calculator on my part, plus a return of the bill because their math was faulty-in their favor of course.
“I have to use the restroom before we leave,” said the late arriving girlfriend.
“Me too,” said her friend.
The two of them headed off to the restrooms together; her to the women’s room and he to the men’s.
Leaving me with these thoughts:
-Gold diggers can come in every persuasion, every orientation and in every sex.
-A true, balanced relationship is defined not by what you get from it, but rather what you bring to it.
-Prince Charming can easily be Princess Charming, but that kind of changes the story.
-According to the medical dictionaries magical thinking is: “Irrational belief that one can bring about a circumstance or event by thinking about it or wishing for it.”
-Kanye West sang a song about gold diggers and then married Kim Kardashian. Go figure.
-Once you equate sex with money, or money with sex, you are heading down a very perilous path indeed.